Episode 12: Why it's SO hard to react differently
Hey there! Today's episode is all about change & why it's so hard. When I say change, I mean us changing. I think you'll know what I mean. It's the swearing to yourself as you lay your head down at night, that tomorrow you'll be more patient with your kids. Tomorrow you won't yell at them. Tomorrow you'll respond with love & respect instead of reacting in anger when they are pushing your buttons at every single turn. But then tomorrow comes & it's a repeat of the day before complete with guilt & shame that you just can't seem to get it together. I mostly talk about this in the context of parenting, but this isn't just about that. This episode is really about shifting our reactions & behaviors at the root in any area of life. As you know, that is freaking hard. I talk all about it. The 4 stages of change, what they look like, what trips you up, what keeps you stuck from moving through the stages. If you've been on your healing journey awhile now, this one will soothe your soul. Let's dive in...
One of the most common struggles I hear from my clients is this: They read the books. They know the tools. They know how they want to show up. They know why it's important for them. But they don't know how to actually do it. In real life. How do you respond differently when you're angry? How do you be different when you're about to lose it? They try but struggle almost immediately. It feels impossible to overcome. In order to understand why it is so hard, we have to talk about the 4 stages of change.
4 stages of change:
Stage 1: Desire. This is simply the wanting something to be different. We could get stuck here just wanting and not taking any action. Wanting without taking responsibility for creating. The choice to move through this stage is the decision to do something about what you want. Admit it's in our control.
Stage 2: Learning knowledge. Learning either new skills or new info. Deciding to learn new knowledge by reading a book, attending a workshop, or listening to a podcast moves you into stage 2. What tends to get us stuck here is thinking we need more knowledge because when we dipped our toe in the water trying it out, it didn't work, or it was WAY too messy & uncomfortable. We think we must not have all the info, so we keep perpetually learning never doing the work to embody this new knowledge, never making it to stage 3. This stage is fun though🙂
Before stage 3, a quick note to understand a bit of brain science to understand why it's the hardest stage. While all stages are necessary, this stage is really the crux of change. (I dive much deeper into this in the episode).
The brain creates habit loops based on past experiences so that it can predict how to be in the next moment without having to expend the energy to think about it. It seeks to automate to conserve energy. It does this for pretty much everything creating thought habits, emotional habits & behavioral habits. Our reactions are emotional habits & we don't change habits with new knowledge but by the doing, the experiencing, the repetition of applying that knowledge. In other words, stage 3.
Stage 3: Implementation. Hands down, the toughest, messiest, meatiest stage. This is because this is the doing stage. This is the part where you drag yourself, sometimes kicking & screaming, off your well-worn path and onto the new one that you must forge as you go. It's freaking hard. And it's not a one-and-done kind of a deal. It's an over & over & over situation. It is in the repetition that creates the new habit loops, the new default way of being. This is why learning & knowing isn't enough.
Change doesn't happen in comfort.
Here’s where it gets tricky & very hard. The doing, the experiencing, the repetition of applying our new knowledge is going to create uncomfortable feelings in your body. And that discomfort creates the trigger that we are in danger causing us to default to our old habits/patterns. It's our protective mechanism for survival. It will happen. Let's just accept that right out the gate.
"Creating change is the commitment & willingness to get it 'wrong’ much more than you get it 'right' in the beginning."
Without awareness, this protective mechanism to avoid pain/discomfort will keep us stuck in our old patterns/habits even when they aren't working. It feels safer to stay in an old pattern of "negative" emotions & experiences than to create the change you desire. The whole thing feels like an unsafe proposition and you retreat back to the safety of your old patterns/habits. For so many of us, guilt, shame, judgment are our old, default patterns. They are familiar & therefore safe, even though they feel awful and is why we return to them again & again. This is why there must be a commitment to the process & the mess of it. This is the not-so-fun stage.
Stage 4: Trust and confidence. This is the stage where we just start showing up differently without having to think about it. It’s our new default. We embody the vision we have. We live the knowledge in real life.
So often we think we should be able to jump straight to stage 4 when we learn something new. We need to allow ourselves to move through the process. It takes patience, commitment, and an understanding of how the brain & creating change actually works.
Re-wiring our brains is a process. Let's give ourselves some grace, okay? When you find yourself in a self-deprecating loop of judgment, shame, guilt, go easy on yourself. Know that "messing up" is inevitable. Take comfort in it. Reflect on it. For it is not proof that you did it wrong, but rather feedback to course correct.
Your patterns live in your subconscious. Choice exists in your conscious mind.
When we grow awareness of our thoughts, patterns & triggers, we create choice. We create freedom. Because in a state of awareness of the behavior, we can override the patterns.
This is how we get to stage 4, trust & confidence. In this place, your default patterns are different. Not that your other patterns aren't still there (listen for my fantastic forest analogy about this) but your ability to be in conscious awareness grows. And with this is the opportunity to accept life as it’s unfolding instead of reacting to what you believe should be happening.
At the end of the day, we do our best to heal ourselves. We do our best to shift our limiting beliefs. We do our best to allow our children to be expressed. We do our best to reclaim all parts of ourselves that were lost as children and guide our children in doing the same. Then we pass the baton to them. And they get to do the same with their life and the next generation if they so choose.
Listen to the episode for my tangible tools on where everyone can start down the path of their desired change.
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